Put your food to work

Yes, I have peanut butter all over my face. No, it wasn’t any fun. But let’s put that aside for a moment.

Ahem.

Mom probably told you that peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. But did she also tell you it could be used to remove stickiness, like stubborn price tags or paper labels? And did she tell you that banana peels could shine your shoes and relieve the itch of bug bites, that coffee grounds could add softness and shine to your hair, and Coke could clean your toilet and remove oil spots from your driveway?

No, but we will. From crushed grapes that help exfoliate your face to burnt banana leaves that can halt hiccups, food can be far more than just … food. At least that’s what the Internet tells us. And we believe everything we read on the Internet.

OK, so we were skeptical. But in the name of waving goodbye to my last shred of dignity, we thought we’d try out a few of the more “interesting” claims. First up: shaving with peanut butter. That’s right. I actually slathered my face with Skippy. If you must know, it was the smooth variety. I wasn’t up for the extra-chunky face massage that one site claimed would “tenderize” my whiskers.

What do they think I am, stupid?

Wait. I’m shaving with peanut butter.

Jabbing two fingers into the jar, I scooped the golden goop onto my cheeks and “lathered up.”

This was just wrong. I looked like a 2-year-old who had gotten into the pantry after Mommy fell asleep on the couch. On the other hand, I smelled like a picnic, which made me hungry. For a moment I considered sticking raisins to my face and shaving with a sharpened celery stalk.

But, no. I had to be “professional” about this, or at least as professional as you get with a face full of peanut butter. I had to get in the right frame of mind. Maybe this wasn’t a stupid idea after all. Maybe it was a revelation. Yeah, that was it. Maybe it would change the way we all think about shaving – forever.

Nope.

It was a bad idea. Not only didn’t it work, but I’m pretty sure I need a new razor. But it wasn’t a total loss. I cleaned the rest of my face with a bagel and had breakfast.

While I was at it, I tried other non-food food suggestions from the Internet, such as reducing the puffiness around your eyes with cucumber slices and seeing if I could make my hair soft and shiny with coffee grounds.

My conclusion?

They don’t pay me enough. Seriously, I’ve got coffee grounds in my skivvies.

But in case you’re wondering, the cucumber did reduce my eye puffiness, and the grounds (which you usually massage in during a shower) left my locks soft and smelling like Starbucks.

OK, those worked. But could the insides of a banana peel really reduce the itch of a mosquito bite?

My 17-year-old daughter, Allison, gave that one a try. She complained about the sliminess and walked away. But five minutes later, she was back.

“It worked!” she said.

Next test: whether peanut butter could remove stuck-on labels and price tags as well as a commercial product. To find out, I bought two ceramic candles with paper labels stuck firmly to the bottom.

First up: the commercial solvent. (Cost: $4). It struggled to remove the label and left some glue residue even after several applications. Then I tried the peanut butter. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it myself. The peanut oils loosened and dissolved the label like magic. It even worked on the gunk that the name-brand solvent left behind.

Cool! What else could I do?

I checked the Internet. Let’s see, peanut butter, banana peels. … Ah, here’s something.

Vodka!

What can you do with vodka besides make a cocktail? Oh ye of little faith.

And I quote, from :

“Vodka, while more often used to kill brain cells, also can be used to kill odor-causing bacteria while leaving a scentless finish.” (But here’s my favorite part.) “Try spritzing some in your smelly sneakers, or on clothes you want to wear more than once to keep them smelling fresh day after day.”

Seriously? I can just imagine that conversation with my wife.

“Sweetie, did you wash my black shirt?”

“No. Try spraying it with the booze I keep in the hamper.”

“OK, that did it.”

You can’t make this stuff up.

Does it work?

Who cares? It’s a scream. Tell all your smelly friends. Take a bottle of Absolut to the gym.

Or not.

Onward.

Here’s a good one. Hiccups. Says here you can relieve hiccups by ingesting burnt banana leaves and honey. I checked my kitchen. I had the honey, but – drat the luck – was all out of banana leaves. I scoured the city for a grocery store that carried banana leaves, finally finding some at the Price Chopper in Roeland Park, Kan. After a couple of days, after they finally dried out enough to burn, I torched them into about two tablespoons of ash and mixed in the honey.

And how’s this for taking one for the team? I’m on a no-bread diet, but in the name of science I wolfed down two slices of bread, resulting in – as it always does with me – the hiccups. Then, God help me, I forced the unholy black-tar glop down my gullet and …

Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle. The hiccups are gone.

Weird. Who figured that out?

OK, so fine, you can get rid of hiccups with burnt banana leaves. But could I use a banana peel to shine my shoes?

The answer is yes and no. I rubbed the inside of a peel hard against my black dress shoe.

Mmmm … banana smell.

It cleaned it and left it baby soft. But it couldn’t match the shine of a commercial polish.

And now, a wonderful use for bread involving grease.

As anyone who has ever eaten gravy can attest, bread has superior sopping ability. So what? Have you ever spilled grease on the floor? Forget paper towels or a mop. This is a perfect use for white bread. I tried it with some bacon grease.

Amazing!

And finally, do you have Coke in your house? Let’s do some cleaning. I’ve used Coke before to successfully clean off the battery terminals in my car. But could it remove oil stains from concrete or brighten the porcelain in my toilet?

The answer: Sort of.

Both Coke and vinegar (which also can clean black mold off shower tiles) are weak acids that have corrosive properties. So instead of drinking my Classic Coke, I figured I’d pour it down the toilet and on the floor of my oil-stained garage.

The verdict?

Meh.

Personally, I’d stick to using it for cleaning battery terminals. Or you could shave with it. Up to you.

Please don’t eat the moisturizer

Many alternative uses for food that you find on the Internet (besides eating it) claim to benefit the skin. Since we couldn’t try them all, we enlisted the help of Overland Park, Kan., dermatologist David Kaplan to help clear things up.

For me, shaving with peanut butter was a disaster. But several sites insist that putting peanut butter on your skin, or olive oil in your bath, is beneficial. Says one site: “With its anti-oxidants and fatty acids it’s sure to leave skin soft and supple, while helping it fight the signs of aging and the effects of the sun.” What do you think?

“They both have merit. The peanut butter thing is interesting. I’d rather have them use peanut oil. As far as being a moisturizer, I’m sure it does a good job, but aesthetically it wouldn’t be my first choice. And it might make things interesting with your partner.”

Now we move to egg whites. One site says: “Apply a little egg white under your eyes to help reduce puffiness, and the ever-dreaded eye bags. Let the liquid dry, then rinse it off.” Anything to this?

“It would give you a nice temporary fix because as the egg whites dry, they stiffen. It would be a little like applying some adhesive tape to give it some external support. But as soon as you wipe it off, you’d be right back where you started. In this case, it would be sort of embarrassing to be caught without the egg on your face.”

OK, try this one. “Use egg whites mixed with a touch of lemon and honey as a facial mask that leaves oily skin refreshed and dry. If your skin is naturally dry, just use the yolk, or if it’s mixed, use a little of both.”

“I sort of like this one. Honey, because of the high sugar content, actually acts not only to clean out the pores; it also has anti-bacterial properties.”

Moving on to bananas, can you really soften the skin, reduce wrinkles, warts and acne outbreaks, help bruises heal faster, reduce the swelling and inflammation of bug bites and poison ivy, help remove splinters, treat psoriasis and improve the overall texture and tone of your skin just by rubbing the inside of a banana peel on yourself?

“Unbelievable. I’m going to be out of business soon. You know, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. But if you cover up psoriasis, whether it’s with a banana peel or duct tape, and leave it there for several hours, you can improve it. And as far as warts go, studies show that warts can be treated successfully up to 70 percent of the time by psychological suggestion. If people buy into it, you can make it go away. The banana peel just reinforces this theory. But, no, it won’t do anything for bruising.”

How about softening rough skin? Will banana peels do that?

“Yeah, it will soften your skin. For instance, you could wrap a banana around dry heels, and it can help. Just don’t walk on it. Banana peels. Slippery. Not good.”

But seriously, Dr. Funny Bones, there’s just a ton of claims about banana peels out there. One site says, “The banana peel contains a number of anti-oxidants and minerals that can help the skin restore itself naturally. … The key compounds in the peel include potassium and other anti-oxidants that help to keep the skin looking soft, supple and healthy.” Thoughts?

“It does contain anti-oxidants. The problem is it does not penetrate.”

How about treating acne with the inside of a banana peel?

“The jury is still out on that one. But I think there are lots of other effective treatment options that would be more desirable than a banana.”

Reducing wrinkles with banana peels?

“I think people who try that would just be monkeying around.”

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June 26, 2011 • Tags: Put, Put Food • Posted in: Diet Help

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